I dunno who wrote this and I can’t find any attribution anywhere. (If you have a clue, please lemme know.)
All the same, it’s so outrageous, I just had to share.
[WARNING: If you’re reading this to your ailing grandmother, there’s “language” ahead. You know what I mean. B-A-D language. Potty-mouth language. I’ve removed a few of the F-bombs, not all of ’em, just to lighten things up a teeny-tiny bit. But this essay might be rough for gentler souls. You’ve been warned.]
OK, take a deep breath. Here we go…
“Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,
“Have you ever been to earth?
“On earth, we use the word ‘burrito’ to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
“You’re an idiot.
“Let me further explain:
“Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
“Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
“When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
“And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
“Humans also don’t eat burritos like corn on the cob. Like a typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
“My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER SALSA POCKET.
“You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
“And don’t even think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
“What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
“I just want a burrito.
“You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.”
Facebook Kyle suspects that this “burritobomination” might not be the fault of the poor slob who made the damn thing.
He thinks the stoopid burrito formula might be “some kind of corporate policy, justified by efficiency studies and design specifications and equipment capacities.”
That’s probably the case.
Not much surprises me anymore.
But here’s my handy tip of the day…
Don’t be the dude who creates burritobominations — in either your business or your life.
It brings out the worst in people.