My encounter with an unspeakable horror

potato_bug_jazzWhenever guys get together, given enough hootch, they start telling gross-out stories.

And you can always count on me to drag out one of my favorites.

Here it is…

Deb and I were hunkered down in our living room to catch up with a crapload of stuff collected on the DVR.

And then we heard a funny noise coming from the kitchen.

Click. Clack. A light tapping sound.

We decided to investigate.

The sound seemed to be coming from the fridge.

So I banged on it with my fist.

Then I rocked it slightly, sliding it a bit from the wall.

The clicking noise stopped.

Well, that’s that, I thought.

What a fool I was, because from the shadows beneath our refrigerator emerged something of such unspeakable Lovecraftian horror that the mere thought of it chills me to this day.

It was the world’s biggest fookin’ potato bug EVER!

Now, if you’re not a Californian, you prob’ly don’t know what I’m talking about. But trust me, potato bugs are beyond gross.

They’ve got shells like lobsters. You can drop a concrete slab on one and it’ll survive.

And this mutha was at least three inches long!

To be honest, when it first crept into the light, I thought it might be a mouse.

Potato bugs aren’t poisonous. But I dare you to pick one up.

You know how Indiana Jones felt about snakes? That’s me and potato bugs.

Anyway, I was confident enough in my manhood to let Deb sweep the critter out the back door with a broom, freeing it to terrorize other families in the neighborhood.

When you think about it, our lives are crammed full of repulsive “bugs” — challenges, problems, obstacles, hurdles — that might scare the bejeezus out of us and keep us from getting what we want.

But they won’t kill us.

So don’t let ’em stand in your way.

Keep the Raid handy anyway.

Now check this out…

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